Being There
by gymnastfreak818
Summary: Harry was supposed to fix everything. James should be here.


Okay, so this came to me as I read a story about how James was so happy that Lily was pregnant. They were in the middle of a war, so having a child is scary. The other thing I want you to remember is that James and Lily are human. They aren't perfect. We build them up to be the perfect people, but no one is perfect. So, I'm going to stop rambling now. =)

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><p><em>Harry was supposed to fix everything.<em>

That was the controlling thought in the mind of Lily Evans Potter.

_Harry was supposed to fix everything._

Lily was lying in bed listening to her young child cry. It was two in the morning and all she wanted to do was sleep. Lily hadn't slept in twenty four hours. Just one hour of sleep wasn't too much to ask was it? But no, she had to cook, clean, do the laundry, and everything else a good housewife is supposed in conjuncture with taking care of Harry.

The house had to be absolutely spotless. But a newborn baby doesn't exactly leave time to clean. And yes, she's a witch; yes she has magic. But magic doesn't make anything easier, not really. Even though she is a witch, Harry still cries at all hours of the night. Harry still wants to be fed every three hours on the dot. Harry still needs his nappies changed every three and half hours on the dot. Being a witch doesn't change anything about being a mother. Being a mother means being there for her child all the time. Being a mother means sometimes just watching Harry sleep instead of cooking and cleaning because Lily didn't know how much time she would actually get to watch her son grow up. Every moment with Harry was precious.

So despite the fact that Lily didn't want to get up, she got up anyway. She left her bed empty and went to the room across the hall to try to stop her baby from crying. Above all else, Lily is a mother, and mothers don't like to listen to their children cry.

_James should be here._

That was the second thought in the mind of Lily Evans Potter.

_James should be here._

Her marriage was crumbling. The love of her life was slowly slipping away from her with each passing day. Her wedding day was the happiest day of her young life. Her life was bright and colorful, just like after a summer rain storm. She mixed perfectly with the rainbow that made up James Potter. But of course, what everyone doesn't say, nothing stays the way you want it to. Rainbows aren't forever. Her life, which was once bright and colorful, became dull and drab. Missions after missions consumed her life. She was lucky if she saw James once a day. Their schedules didn't match up most days, and when they did see each other it was likely that the other was sleeping.

Their time together became precious in those early months. Both James and Lily lived for the moments where they would be together. Those moments made life worth living for. Those moments made life worth fighting for.

The first brick to fall was a small one. In the short run, it was just a small fight between husband and wife. A fight over whose turn it was to cook dinner. It was nothing life threatening, just a small fight between two people who were dead tired. Two people who just wanted to fall asleep and wake up to a world where there was no war. Two people who had been married for 6 months and fights were a staple in their school years. Fights were normal. In the long run, that small fight was the beginning of many. Some would be simple others would be complex and messy. Some would end in apologizing five minutes later while others wouldn't end for weeks. There would be nights where James wouldn't come home. There would be nights where James would come home after getting piss drunk with Sirius, Peter and Remus. There would be nights where Lily made James sleep on the couch. That small fight was the first brick to fall in the structure of their marriage. That small fight was the start to the fall of Lily and James Potter.

_Harry was supposed to fix everything. James should be here._

It was raining the day that Lily found out she was pregnant. There were ten deaths reported in the _Daily Prophet_, and three others that weren't reported. James hadn't spent a night in their house in over a week. Lily was about to report to Dumbledore for a new mission when she realized that she might be pregnant. Naturally, she told Dumbledore what she thought and he sent someone else. She went to Saint Mungo's instead of going on that mission. In the days to come she wonders if she should have gone instead of Edgar Bones. Maybe he and his family wouldn't have been killed if she had gone. If she had gone, maybe a whole family would still be alive. But she tries not to dwell on the "what if's." After all, she has to live in the present if she wants to survive the war.

It took her three months to tell James that she was pregnant. She was eighteen weeks along when she finally told James. She didn't intentionally wait that long to tell him. She just didn't want to tell him in the middle of an argument. Arguing was the only thing they seemed to do anymore. So, it wasn't intentional. And she vowed to tell him if he mentioned anything about children, but pregnancy generally didn't come up in everyday conversation. So it took her twelve weeks to tell him that she was pregnant.

Lily was prepared for pretty much anything when she told James that she was pregnant. She was prepared for anything from yelling to frigid silence. So when James sat down and was silent, Lily was prepared to sit down and try to have a reasonable conversation for once. What Lily wasn't prepared for was the first words to come out of James's mouth, "Is it mine?"

Those three words don't mean much by themselves. But string them together and add a question mark at the end, and they become an arrow designed to hurt the vulnerable. So, Lily felt quite justified when she responded, "Yes James. The child is fucking yours," and then left the room because she couldn't believe that James accused her of cheating. Because after all, she was sweet Lily Evans Potter and she doesn't swear.

They stopped arguing, for about a month. There were no arguments. Lily's body changed as the baby started growing. James slept in the house everyday that month. Then came his next long term mission. That was the first argument after both knew about the pregnancy. Lily didn't want James to go and James said that he wouldn't feel right sitting around the house doing nothing to help fight the war. Lily didn't stop him from going, she knew better than that. But it didn't change the fact that she didn't want him to go. She didn't want James to miss out on their child's life.

Remus and Peter began popping over to the house while James was gone. (Sirius had gone with James). Lily just smiled as they entertained her. It was almost like they were still at Hogwarts (the key word being almost). Lily could tell that Remus was struggling and that Peter was conflicted with something. Maybe if she probed harder everything would have been different. Maybe if she had tried to talk about important things, then everything may have been different. But she let them talk to her about next to nothing and she never pried into their lives. And every day the child grew inside of her. Her stomach expanded and she decorated the baby's room, without James.

_Harry was supposed to fix everything. James should be here._

James still hadn't returned when she went into labor. She didn't go to Saint Mungo's, it wasn't safe anymore. Instead a Healer in the Order came to her. July 31, 1980, just two years after she left Hogwarts, just a year after she got married, Harry James Potter was brought into the world. Lily knew instantly that she wasn't ready to be a mother, but she would try her hardest to be a good mother. James still hadn't returned when the Healer left on August 1. James didn't arrive until two weeks after Harry was born.

James was in awe of Harry. Lily just smiled when she saw James holding Harry for the first time. That was the first time she thought that their marriage could actually be starting to fix itself. She saw James smile for the first time in months. Lily did what she felt was natural. She walked over to wear James was sitting and kissed him solidly on the mouth. Lily had hope. Hope is a wonderful feeling when it's been absent for so long.

_Harry was supposed to fix everything. James should be here._

Harry was a month old when they went into hiding. They moved into the house in Godric's Hollow. Life continued. Of course, James never did believe in playing by the rules. Even being in hiding didn't stop James from helping the Order in some way or other. James and Lily started fighting again. The hope that Lily had felt was slowly disappearing. She spent her days cleaning, cooking and taking care of Harry. She started drowning and James didn't seem to notice. He was too busy helping the Order or spending fleeting moments with Harry or spending time with Peter, Remus and Sirius. James didn't notice that the light in Lily's eyes was slowly diminishing. Lily loved her son. And despite everything, she still loved her husband. Because how could she be completely mad that he was trying to make the world a better place for their son.

_Harry was supposed to fix everything. James should be here._

Harry's first birthday came and went. She wanted to have a big celebration, but that wasn't possible. James missed another event in Harry's life. The Order needed him. And Lily had long since stopped fighting him. She had given up trying to save a marriage that only had one participant. So Lily continued living her life. She continued taking care of Harry. She may have a marriage that was crumbling, but she wasn't about to let her son suffer for it. Maybe they were too young. Maybe she shouldn't have married James right out of school. Maybe they should have waited. Maybe if they had waited, they wouldn't have gotten married at all. But despite the maybes, Lily wouldn't give up Harry for anything. But she still can't help thinking that, "_Harry was supposed to fix everything. James should be here"._


End file.
